Hey, can I tell you guys something?
I have a certain secret someone as my Valentine this year.
Be slightly jealous or be in amazement
But nonetheless, be happy for me.
Be happy because my Valentine this year is me.
This isn’t some narcissistic declaration;
It isn’t supposed to be a Singles Awareness PSA.
This is me finding a better Valentine than the ones I’ve previously pursued.
One of my biggest crushes was the Devon Energy Center,
So tall, so beautiful.
I felt that the best way to express my growing affection
Would be to free fall from its balcony and into its solid foundation.
What can I say?
I know Devon likes it rough.
I also remember when I was really pining to join a lovely poly group.
All of them seemed to click so well together,
And all of them were so super sexy with some of the best names:
Vicodin, Percocet, Codeine—there were too many to recall.
I didn’t want just one of them; I wanted them all,
To enjoy the ecstasy of simultaneous indulgence,
The resulting hastened heartbeat and the occasional arrhythmia,
And then the eternal slumber with them.
I, however, was too nervous to ask any of my previously mentioned heartthrobs out.
I was too chicken to take the plunge.
Looking back at it now, I’m glad I didn’t ask them out.
They were toxic—dating material of the lowest order.
My inaction also gave me the chance to find myself,
A much more caring, considerate person,
Someone who is always there for me so long as I bother to look.
I can happily say that it’s a gracious honor to be my Valentine this year.